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How Not to Treat Weed Dealers, According to Weed Dealers

Close to half of all Americans have tried marijuana, and as more accepting attitudes prevail and social mores loosen, the number is growing steadily. For the curious languishing in places where medical or recreational marijuana is still illegal, that means interacting with a weed dealer, which can be a bit awkward, especially before something resembling rapport is established. That need not be the case. Because weed dealers—are you sitting?—are just like any retailer. They want to sell you a product and move on with their day. No fuckery. No weirdness. In. Out. Bing, bang, boom.

We talked to a few Chicago-area weed dealers about their customer pet peeves and the dos and don’ts of buying pot on the DL.

I really hate when people try to bargain. It costs what it costs. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Cash only. There are a surprising number of people who try to pay me in change. If you have to pull out dimes and quarters to pay me, maybe you shouldn’t be buying weed!

It’s not like I don’t give deals. I hook up my friends, of course, and I give deals for bulk shopping just like Costco. Some people assume they can get customer loyalty discounts after they’ve bought a certain amount from me. And while I’ll definitely do that, it’s gotta be on my terms. Don’t ask me about it; let me bring it up to you when I decide you’ve earned it. You don’t go to a restaurant and demand to get something for free just because you’ve been there multiple times. If they have a loyalty program, they’ll let you know, and they’ll hook you up if they want you to come back.

When it comes to communication, I’m more about clarity than discretion. The way I look at it, this shit is getting legal pretty quickly, and I don’t deal in huge quantities. I’d say my customers are more paranoid than I am. Some of them come up with their own code words for shit, and I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. People will call an ounce an onion, like “Yo, can I get an onion?” What the fuck is an onion, bro? Just tell me what you want, and I’ll hook you up!

Other than that, don’t linger after I sell you a sack. I like to have friendly conversation, but let’s cap it at two minutes. I’m also not going to smoke you up unless you’re my friend, so don’t hang out hoping I’m going to offer you free weed after I just sold some to you. Go smoke your own shit. – Sam*, 29

Our service has a lot of rules, and it is based entirely on referrals, which are tightly guarded. Basically, you’ll need three people who are already in to vouch for you, and we freeze referrals often due to security issues. If you’re lucky enough to become a member, follow the first rule of fight club: Don’t fucking talk about fight club. Don’t post about us on Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media sites. Don’t give any of our numbers to your friends. You will be blacklisted.

In the same vein, we have your number/address in our database. Don’t order from your friend’s house, or you will be blacklisted. You’ll also be blacklisted for ordering to your address while you’re having a party. Don’t be dumb.

And don’t try and play us on payment. We have three levels of quality, order the lowest if that’s all you can afford. Occasionally we’ll give you a break on the better stuff if you order the basics and we’re out by the time we get to you, but that’s rare. Don’t try to game the system, or you’ll have to go back to asking friends of friends if they know where to get weed. – Josh*, 28

Don't haggle, and don't try to pay with Venmo.